Times of pharmacy school require a whole lot of library study. A WHOLE lot. To the point of a panic attack-level type anxiety some weeks at the thought of having to re-enter that building again and again. Especially when you leave to go to class, which totally isn't a legit break, and then must face more library time.
As a pharmacy student, one would think that this should be no problem. I, after all, have the intelligence and the access to the medications that can treat anxiety. #nobigdeal. But those medications can't treat ME. Sooo, thankfully, I have a good friend who taught me a valuable lesson this week on dealing with anxiety. He taught me about "zen" moments - moments where you park your car but you don't do the typical. You don't get out, you don't check your phone, you don't think about where you have to go. You make the library wait. You simply put on your favorite song and maybe sip your favorite flavored soda, cozy down in the warmth of the butt warmers in your seat (greatest car invention ever!) and you sing to yourself. And you are perfectly content to check yourself out of the world for a few minutes that are entirely yours.
I actually looked up the definition of "zen" in the English College Dicitionary and this is what it proposed:
1. (Non-Christian Religions / Buddhism) a Japanese school, of
12th-century Chinese origin, teaching that contemplation of one's essential
nature to the exclusion of all else is the only way of achieving pure
enlightenment.
Now, let's be clear. I don't want to full out "zen" it up and disregard faith and devotion and spend hours meditating for all of my answers. But this week, I was grateful for a few tiny moments of "zen" - of meditation.
There was another definition online that said that this "zen" business requires meditation for all the answers of life, with no faith involved. But look at the first definition - the one I posted here - contemplation of "one's essential nature." And that my friends is the key. Because we are all children of God. And if we could all realize that and remember it - always and every minute - and somehow find the capacity to see every stranger on the street as such, we would be "purely enlightened." So in reality, faith is written into the very root of what contemplation of one's essential self means. It's inseparable. And so in my mind, faith is written in "zen."
Before work this morning at 9:00 am, I needed a "zen" moment. The last thing I wanted to do after spending virtually the entire week in the library was spend 9 hours at work on Saturday. So I was absentmindedly driving to work thinking about nothing in particular and listening to the KLOVE radio station. And I parked my car at 9:01 and my newest favorite song came on the radio. "Carry Me" by Josh Wilson.
Carry me, Carry me, Carry me now
from my sinking sand to your solid ground
the only way I'm ever gonna make it out
is if you carry me, carry me, carry me now
God carry me, carry me, carry me now
What did I do? I made a bold and definite decision to sit in my car and have a zen moment. I blasted Christian radio and contemplated my essential nature. I sipped my orange juice and sang along quietly. And I loved every single second of it. I didn't care that I walked into work 8 minutes late. And I walked in with a smile. And a calm heart.
I had a brief conversation on addictions tonight with a friend. It started with talking about Lent and giving things up. He claimed some people are better able to do that than others - that some people are more prone to addictions. He said Satan lays so many traps, trying to lay something to catch every one of us. Maybe it's true. Likely it's true. BUT THERE'S ALWAYS A WAY OUT. And if we get stuck, all we need to do is have a "zen" moment - to sit in silence and remember our essential nature. Our royal nature - as children of the King of Heaven and Earth. Sometimes running through a field of mines will only kill us. But if we pause in the mess of the traps surrounding us and contemplate our essential nature, it's also likely that we will be enlightened. We will know where to go. Maybe we won't be struck with a lightening bolt of obvious brilliance- likely we won't - but we'll be able to walk forward. And if ever we fall into the traps, we will know what to do. Zen moments. And if we've fallen what feels like too far or are hurt in the trap and can't move, our essential natures only have to cry, "carry me, carry me, carry me now." It's the only way we'll ever make it out.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CCzW0VlFbgU
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Manual Shuffle
Though time doesn't change and the amount of minutes in a week could be neatly charted off or packed up in equal size boxes each week and put away, some seem to take up infinately more space and take up more time than is fairly alloted to them.
This week was one of those that seemed to steal minutes that didn't belong to it. But ironically, looking back on it, its "box" of time seems drab at the very least. A box filled with quantity but not necessarily quality. One holding too many minutes stolen by the library and exam studying - so many in fact that they seem to run together and can't even be organized into hours and days....
Weeks like that can be hard to manage, hard to balance and hard to run through. Even if you find a few unclaimed minutes to run, they might be heavy - weighed down by the pressures of tasks to be completed. This is how I felt when I bundled up earlier this week for a mind-clearing run. And despite the freezing weather, my brain unthawed in at least one beautiful moment.
I have a running playlist on my phone (let's be real, it's actually the only playlist on my phone...). Usually I just start running and every song that comes on works for me and speaks to me. This day it didn't. The shuffle feature failed me too - playing every song that I didn't want to hear. So.... I manually shuffled. I played one song four times in a row, moved on to another, and then went back again. And I took control of my stride and my run and my thoughts.
And some days - some of those long weeks - we have to manually shuffle just to get through. It might not be as smooth or as easy. It might be annoying or frustrating. We might get stuck on a song we don't want to hear. But the beauty of manual shuffle is that we can change it. we can repeat things that helped us think clearly. We can match the music to our mood and run through it. We can listen to the same song 8 times if that's what it takes to get through.
Life is filled with manual shuffle weeks. We can match prayer to challenge and run through them.
This week was one of those that seemed to steal minutes that didn't belong to it. But ironically, looking back on it, its "box" of time seems drab at the very least. A box filled with quantity but not necessarily quality. One holding too many minutes stolen by the library and exam studying - so many in fact that they seem to run together and can't even be organized into hours and days....
Weeks like that can be hard to manage, hard to balance and hard to run through. Even if you find a few unclaimed minutes to run, they might be heavy - weighed down by the pressures of tasks to be completed. This is how I felt when I bundled up earlier this week for a mind-clearing run. And despite the freezing weather, my brain unthawed in at least one beautiful moment.
I have a running playlist on my phone (let's be real, it's actually the only playlist on my phone...). Usually I just start running and every song that comes on works for me and speaks to me. This day it didn't. The shuffle feature failed me too - playing every song that I didn't want to hear. So.... I manually shuffled. I played one song four times in a row, moved on to another, and then went back again. And I took control of my stride and my run and my thoughts.
And some days - some of those long weeks - we have to manually shuffle just to get through. It might not be as smooth or as easy. It might be annoying or frustrating. We might get stuck on a song we don't want to hear. But the beauty of manual shuffle is that we can change it. we can repeat things that helped us think clearly. We can match the music to our mood and run through it. We can listen to the same song 8 times if that's what it takes to get through.
Life is filled with manual shuffle weeks. We can match prayer to challenge and run through them.
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Example of Believers
I am supposed to talk in church tomorrow on the example of believers. I've tossed around the idea for a couple of weeks now, unsure of where to go with it. But something pretty awesome dawned on me tonight - in the form of a self-interpretted dream.
A couple of nights ago I had actually prayed for direction in my talk and asked for inspiration in my dreams. It was a super random and direct prayer and I've never asked for a dream answer before. I don't know if I fully believed in my own prayer.
I did have a dream that night though. A vivid one, too. I dreamed that I was rock climbing. I have no idea who was belaying me. I had gotten up near to the top and I was exhausted and lost as to where my next step was. And then a girl came along. I was excited, thinking I could ask for her assistance and direction, and instead she came over, cut my rope, and laughed at me before stealthily sneaking down the rock. She left me with a haunting, "Good luck getting down now."
I was TERRIFIED. I was so weak. I had no idea where to go. If I moved it was likely sudden death because I'd fall and there would be no rope to catch me but instead a pile of rocks at the bottom of a pit hundreds of feet down.
I woke up from the dream after reaching a hesitant hand up and missing what I thought had been a handhold. My dream self and real self were both shaking. And later that day, I remembered I had prayed for inspiration, and I thought, what the heck?! That was awful. You want me to talk about not chopping other people's ropes? Not climbing walls for risk of dying?
But tonight I interpretted it (pretty proud of myself...haha) differently. What if the risk of death at the bottom of the pit had been removed...... and I had fallen? And I met the person who had been my belay? And it was Jesus?
What if this just became a super awesome life analogy?
We are all here on earth climbing the massive rock wall of life. And every time we try to climb on our own, we fall. We can go a ways up, but we become weak. We misjudge. We are tricked. Someone blocks our path. We take a dangerous road, and the result is failure. We fall, but we don't die. We land at the bottom where Jesus is still holding our ropes, waiting for us to come back. He picks us up gently, wipes the dust away and pleads with us to try again. But to trust him. He's saved us from death - why the free fall and our mistakes don't kill us - but to make it home to our shared Father in Heaven, we have to climb. And Jesus knows the way. And wants to hold our ropes and coach us past the difficult parts and tug us to the next step when we've given our best efforts and our own strength fails us.
He asks us to make bigger reaches. To find what would be impossible holds in free climb. But he promises never to let go of the rope. If we trust him, we will make it. We'll see our progress and we'll keep going. But if we forget about the man holding our ropes and think we're too good for his coaching, it's impossible not to fall.
And if this happens, we absolutely NEED to fall. Sometimes all the way to the bottom. To reattach ourselves to the one man who knows the way and who can lead us home. And until we trust him and believe in his ultimate example, we will exhaust our strengths again and again and we will fall.
If we let Jesus Christ be the master of our ropes, we are our own examples of believers.
A couple of nights ago I had actually prayed for direction in my talk and asked for inspiration in my dreams. It was a super random and direct prayer and I've never asked for a dream answer before. I don't know if I fully believed in my own prayer.
I did have a dream that night though. A vivid one, too. I dreamed that I was rock climbing. I have no idea who was belaying me. I had gotten up near to the top and I was exhausted and lost as to where my next step was. And then a girl came along. I was excited, thinking I could ask for her assistance and direction, and instead she came over, cut my rope, and laughed at me before stealthily sneaking down the rock. She left me with a haunting, "Good luck getting down now."
I was TERRIFIED. I was so weak. I had no idea where to go. If I moved it was likely sudden death because I'd fall and there would be no rope to catch me but instead a pile of rocks at the bottom of a pit hundreds of feet down.
I woke up from the dream after reaching a hesitant hand up and missing what I thought had been a handhold. My dream self and real self were both shaking. And later that day, I remembered I had prayed for inspiration, and I thought, what the heck?! That was awful. You want me to talk about not chopping other people's ropes? Not climbing walls for risk of dying?
But tonight I interpretted it (pretty proud of myself...haha) differently. What if the risk of death at the bottom of the pit had been removed...... and I had fallen? And I met the person who had been my belay? And it was Jesus?
What if this just became a super awesome life analogy?
We are all here on earth climbing the massive rock wall of life. And every time we try to climb on our own, we fall. We can go a ways up, but we become weak. We misjudge. We are tricked. Someone blocks our path. We take a dangerous road, and the result is failure. We fall, but we don't die. We land at the bottom where Jesus is still holding our ropes, waiting for us to come back. He picks us up gently, wipes the dust away and pleads with us to try again. But to trust him. He's saved us from death - why the free fall and our mistakes don't kill us - but to make it home to our shared Father in Heaven, we have to climb. And Jesus knows the way. And wants to hold our ropes and coach us past the difficult parts and tug us to the next step when we've given our best efforts and our own strength fails us.
He asks us to make bigger reaches. To find what would be impossible holds in free climb. But he promises never to let go of the rope. If we trust him, we will make it. We'll see our progress and we'll keep going. But if we forget about the man holding our ropes and think we're too good for his coaching, it's impossible not to fall.
And if this happens, we absolutely NEED to fall. Sometimes all the way to the bottom. To reattach ourselves to the one man who knows the way and who can lead us home. And until we trust him and believe in his ultimate example, we will exhaust our strengths again and again and we will fall.
If we let Jesus Christ be the master of our ropes, we are our own examples of believers.
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